textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
