I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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