i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
