This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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