Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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