i will never coherently bang her
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
