Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
