im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
