just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
