So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
