I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize