you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
