im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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