I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
