so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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