If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
