my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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