I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
