ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My ass is underappreciated
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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