Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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