I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
