You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
