he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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