Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
