meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
