is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
