why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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