Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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