So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
