i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I know her cup size but not her name....
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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