she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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