This house was built for laser tag.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
