my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize