Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
