Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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