If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
