hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
