So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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