youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
