Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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