Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize