I accidentally burped into my bong.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
