Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
