Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
