then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
