I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
