i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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