home. puking in laundry basket.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
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