Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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