The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
