I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
