Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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