I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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