shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize