Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
