please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
