could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
