Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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