so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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