It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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