Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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